Do you lead and have many major responsibilities? Do you know the feeling that you lack recognition and that you sometimes don't feel heard for the difference you make? And is that sometimes at the expense of your energy, your motivation and your enjoyment? Then I'm sure you are convinced of one or more of the three fables below...

Myth 1: "You just have to work harder to perform even better and get recognition."

Myth 2: "To ask for help? You don't do thatt? You have to be able to do it yourself otherwise you are not good enough."

Myth 3: "With this responsible position, it is logical that I don't have time to relax. Moreover, relaxing is disastrous for my productivity and I need that adrenaline to perform."

In this blog I will tell you why these are fables and how I make my clients aware of this, let them experience it and let them practice to feel how things could be done differently. Only then will it be possible to persevere longer.

I share insights and let you experience how you can relax more, make easier choices (also for yourself), achieve results and thus increase your authentic visibility.

Bright? Okay let's go!

But first I want to ask you a few questions:

• What are you doing to relax right now? How often do you say yes to what you had planned for yourself?
• And how often do you put the wishes of others before yours? And so do you say yes to someone else's agenda?
• Do you easily say what you want and need? Or do you think that others should see what you want and need? That you don't have to ask for that, do you?

My suspicion is that you do try to do everything 'as best as possible'... right? But the reality is often that you are mainly concerned with keeping all the balls up and if something has to give, is it usually something for yourself?

You often know that setting boundaries or saying no more often can help you. But you notice that actually doing this is often complicated. Maybe you reassure yourself with: “this is just part of it... I really wanted this job, right?” And so nothing changes for years.

How can you focus on what you want, be seen and heard and have enough energy left to stay motivated (and also keep it fun at home?). What I see 92% of the leading women I speak to now doing is:

She perseveres enormously on many fronts and does her best to perform even better, so that she has to be seen to make sure no one can do anything to her if she has to defend herself.

Or

Being so busy with really important things from someone else's agenda that they invariably miss opportunities for the podium and to profile themselves for further growth. She often says that it's not really 'her thing'. That she doesn't want to be seen as 'chest-beating'.

Or

Closing almost all the holes herself, because she can often do it better and faster than most employees, peers or even the Board of Directors or Supervisory Board. Of course, you don't ask the last two for help anyway...

Our culture praises this behavior, which takes an incredible amount of energy.

And let's be honest that all that hard work, constant smiling, perseverance and service to other people's agendas has taken all these women far. Our culture still praises this kind of behavior.

And yet she is tired, she feels the constant pressure to perform, her inner critic looks over her shoulder a little too often and she feels little or no recognition for the top performances she delivers.

Of course, she does not express this and sometimes takes revenge in a short fuse, physical complaints and certainly in a declining sense of happiness.

Do you sometimes have the feeling that this should be possible differently? That you want your energetic self back, your shine, your positivity. And that you want to be able to feel your own strength and motivation again. That it should be easier. Maybe you recognize that?

I know one thing for sure: yes, it can indeed be easier!

I always give the example of traveling with your child on a plane. How we are instructed that in an emergency, we should put on our own oxygen mask first and then put on your child's.

When I first heard that, I thought it was strange: you do your child first, right? But when I understood and saw that I first had to give myself attention before saving that little one's life, my behavior changed.

That's how it is in real life too. You increase your awareness of your behavior and your understanding of the human brain, see how it can work or practice directly and experience what that does for you. This increases trust and belief that things can be done differently. It is then important to let go of those beliefs that hinder you in small steps and replace them with fresh, new thoughts that support your goals.

And how important do you think your own will and opinion are?

It is often easier to say that someone else should just see what you do, what you need or what is good for you? Doesn't the other person understand what you want, value and need without you having to explicitly ask, say or name it?

You expect someone else to take responsibility for your next step, your visibility and your recognition. Isn't it really strange that we leave that responsibility for our own happiness to someone else?

Because when you always expect that someone can read your thoughts, see what you do and, for example, just need to know what you like and what you are good at, then you are actually denying what you want.

Taking responsibility can really feel like freedom. Yet you probably don't feel that at the moment and you experience that responsibility for your own well-being as extra pressure. Does that make sense to you?

While you would describe yourself as a very responsible person, right? We are often very responsible types but forget to take responsibility for our own well-being and happiness.

When you depend on others to figure out what you need and what you want, you create a situation where you never know if or when you will get what you want. Moreover, that dependence on others often makes you worried or anxious.

These fears and the dependent feeling unconsciously create stress. You probably don't want to have these kinds of frustrating feelings and you don't want to create them again with your 'direct reports' or at home.

You would much rather follow your own compass, feel self-confidence, strength and relaxation, regardless of what others think, do or don't do. And also radiate this.

So that there is room for what you really want, for authenticity, for self-esteem and freedom. None of this is possible when we give the responsibility of getting what we want to others.

And now you're probably thinking... “Yes, that's nice, Natascha... but how am I going to do that?”

It is high time to let go of the pressure that we partly impose on ourselves.

My e-book can help you with that. Via the 'About you' button above, you can try the first three chapters of my e-book 'How to discover what you really want in four steps' for free on the front page of my website.

But that's not the only thing. I also remove that self-imposed pressure through personal leadership programs and virtual group trips that last at least three months. I call it a wonderful journey. And I'm not the only one. But it's not a quick fix.

During my travels there are three elements that make your success inevitable:

1. take responsibility for what you want, express it and practice it.
2. really make yourself a priority and
3. create the green light on three levels, namely: your behavior, your thoughts & beliefs and your identity to make your change permanent.

This does not work immediately, but the great thing is that once they get started, women focus more on what they want, appreciate themselves more and experience more clarity and positivity and feel less and less that they have to force themselves.

With this clear focus, more (self) confidence and more responsibility, they feel happier, stronger and at the same time more relaxed. They are seen in their own authentic way. And what then becomes possible?

I have learned that the aforementioned beliefs are fables. I'll explain why:

Myth 1: You just have to work harder to perform even better and get recognition.

Many of us think that you simply have to work harder, compensate to perform in order to gain recognition and appreciation and hopefully move up the career ladder.

At the same time, we all work very hard and the biggest challenge for women in leadership is to feel appreciated for the difference they make. Where does it go wrong?

When you try harder and harder on someone else's 'to do' list, without paying attention to your own, this does not lead to appreciation but to frustration. From you (especially when you feel you get too little in return) but also from the other person.

You create expectations that you don't actually want to meet, which means they cost you a lot of extra energy and you run the risk of not fulfilling them well enough.

When you know better what you consider important, what you are good at and what brings you out of balance and you respect your own compass, you act accordingly. With positive attention and energy focused on what you want and find important, you will certainly be seen.

Myth 2: You don't ask for help, do you? You have to be able to do it yourself otherwise you are weak.

From an early age you learn to work independently and learn at school. On the one hand this is very good, but on the other hand it can really get in your way as a manager.

Maybe you feel like you should still be able to do everything yourself. At the same time, you can feel very alone in this position. In this way you unconsciously raise the bar for performance twice as high. And you don't want to disappoint anyone.

Motivation alone is not enough. It's really nice to be able to spar with someone who has already walked the path.

Asking for help often feels vulnerable and we find that scary. If you feel that way, remember that by doing it more often, you show others that it is allowed, possible and profitable! You reduce the pressure not only for yourself but also for other women.

Myth 3: With this responsible position, it is logical that I do not have time to relax. Relaxing is disastrous for my productivity and I also need that adrenaline to perform.

I hear that these three myths (and many more myths 😉) are often used by leading women to reassure themselves. And they also tell them to other women who are in the same boat. 'That's just how it is'.

I know all about it myself. It creates a kind of 'we feeling': “We toppers just have that. It's just part of it and it's very normal. Just like getting fewer compliments. If you want to relax, need recognition and exercise, then it is better not to do this position.”

At the same time, I also know that deep in their hearts they would like nothing more than to take good care of themselves. More rest, less pressure, better sleep, a better overall condition to be able to keep up with everything. And that they want to get rid of taking responsibility for everything and everyone, but not for themselves.

The continuous high pressure to perform takes its toll to a greater or lesser extent: from neck and shoulder complaints, possible stress kilos around the stomach, difficulty relaxing when it is finally allowed, to high breath, palpitations and poor sleep.

If there is one thing that needs to be eradicated immediately, it is the thoughts that you cannot or should not relax. Really and truly. It's time for more mellow and less stress.

It is so time to take the pressure off and switch the power (back) on.

So back to my initial questions in this post. Do you know the feeling that you do not feel seen or heard and that you lack recognition for the impact you make as a female manager? And is this sometimes at the expense of your energy and motivation?

And will you do things differently after reading this? Let me know in a comment at natascha@mellowrevolution.com! Or app me directly for an appointment on 06-51818011.

I'd love to hear from you,

Natasha.

PS would you like to try more and the three free chapters of my e-book? Download them below.